The Spotless Mind Debate

(Note: This was originally posted in my Facebook's Slate)

What I love about Charlie Kauffman and Michel Gondry's Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is that the premise of the film is essentially true. People want to forget things, people want to forget people. And in the film, there is the solution: go to Lacuna, Inc. and have your memory erased. Strip your life off any traces of the thing you want to forget. It's a tedious process and technically, as how Todd Wilkinson's character put it, the process itself is brain damage. I really love how that conversation in the film went between Jim Carey and Wilkinson. It was funny, yet as-a-matter-of-fact. Like getting slapped by the truth. Of course, in the end, the film concludes that maybe, forgetting is not the solution. This is then followed by Beck's croon, "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" at the closing credits. People make decisions, people take risks. The point is, you'll never know what you're going to get. How I wish I have a box of chocolates instead.

Last year I experienced this one-of-a-kind drama where I almost ended up hitting a truck. It was a stupid incident, but the point is, it was one of those situations where it would be better if I had forgotten. For someone who can be quick at burning bridges, I was surprised that I was not totally over this thing that happened a few years back. The time between that day in August of 2007 and those days in August 2005 I thought I emerged from the experience unscathed. But then, maybe I didn't. Maybe I was just in denial the entire time which is why one day, when I got slapped by truth, I opened my eyes and ended up driving throughout Manila incredibly upset. It was also the best time to get a tattoo because I had to divert the pain inside into something physical. I hate to say this, but the pain on my skin liberated me. But I must say, that was a critical lesson learned. Never again.

I wish I could say in confidence that such things will not happen to me anymore. It's hard to say. Ironically, a few months after, I found myself in a very similar situation. I might justify that that time it was different, but when it ended, which happens to be my present by the way, I find the unknown stretched before me and I find myself in this state of uncertainty. In order to prevent another drama, I have consciously slapped myself with the truth. I am taking the initiative. I wish I can be emotionally unattached. But I am a woman and I am not a jerk.

For the past 12 hours I have received very good advice from outsiders. I have slept on it and thought about it. See, it's all about the mindset. It's really not in the forgetting, it's a major shift as to how you see yourself in the situation. It's a response to the lessons learned, not a reaction. Frankly, it's easier said than done. It means going some stages back. In order to move on, one must go back. Like when you get lost, you retrace your steps. In order to get there, you need to know which parts where you made the mistakes, which forks you missed and should have taken, which direction to look at.

I woke up this morning with my finger on the reset button. It's hard, but I might as well. Then again, I think of the possibilities of a clean slate. I am not going to forget, but I am not going to be resentful. Yes, everybody's gotta learn sometime. Because when the right experience comes along, I want to be able to look forward and say, "I want to be new to you".