Maybe things come in threes, but I must say, things can also come in collective waves.
About a few weeks ago, I have a couple of friends, both of them unacquainted with each other, who went through a break-up. Another friend ended the complications of an affair, and another one finally got it that he was not really into her.
On the other hand, I have one friend who announced that a relationship is getting more serious than expected and she's happy. Another one also got married the same week.
About last week, another wave of heartaches took place, with the number of people experiencing better times with their respective significant others are nothing but laps at the edge of a calm sea.
Break-ups and reconciliations, the "it' not you, it's me" speeches. The ratio of people supposedly getting happier remains smaller while those who have to battle the aches of the heart make up the majority in my small, circumscribed world.
In my quest to understand relationships more (as I am admittedly naive about the serious, romantic kind), I did give in and bought myself a copy of one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books. See, it does not hurt to see what's out there. In fact, I think such publications are helpful for a handful of individuals who need to understand the inkling behind the "it's not you, it's me" speeches and the somewhat bizarre behavior of the sexes. As how Bridget Jones suggested, if only people were not burdened with the fuckwittage they are experiencing, they would become more productive members of the society, spending less time sulking, stalking and imagining revenge scenarios.
Aye, aye Bridget!
What is interesting is that women seem to be more inclined to believe anything the same way they are inclined to believe nothing until there's proof or there's some form of testimony. This quote from Chris Rock comes to mind:
"Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they still want the confession".
I have this friend whom I bet will also remind you of your other girl friends. With her girl friends, she vents out her frustration with the guy she's dating, especially her suspicions re: other women, ex-girlfriends, etc. But then, as she is about to confront the guy, he tells her a bunch of reasons or excuses, and the next thing you know, she willingly pays for the expensive dinner out of guilt.
Women experience a combination of conflicting emotions, and honestly, the last thing she needs is to be lied to. It also does not help to ignore her emotions and start calling her a Drama Queen without asking her the real issues that disturb her.
A common denominator I found among friends who recently went through break-ups and hurtful realizations is that they stuck around and wanted to see for themselves if the "relationship" is worth saving. Reasons such as, "Maybe he'll change", "He's just too busy", or "He's still getting rid of baggages" are among the usual excuses. The trick here is, how can you tell if he was telling the truth and that he meant well, or he was just fucking with your head?
A friend from college told me that the reason she stuck around for three years --- three years! --- despite the lack of commitment from the guy is that about two and a half years ago, while in the middle of their second Cab Sauv from Marks and Spencer, he casually asked her if she'd marry him.
So I asked, "Was he drunk?"
"I don't think so," she said after thinking about it for five seconds.
"Alright, how did he ask? Did he say something like, 'Will you marry me?' or did he say something else?"
"I really can't remember..."
"Come on! If it was a marriage proposal you wouldn't forget it that easily."
My friend took a long sip from her water, completely ignoring her half-full mocha Frap in a venti cup. "I think he said something like, 'Look at me, would you marry me?'".
"Would!"
"Yeah. Isn't it the same thing?"
I had to shake my head at this. "I think the question is more conditional. If he asked you, 'Will you marry me?', he was risking it. If he asked 'Would you marry me?', he was asking if you would if you were caught in certain conditions like a shot gun proposal or accidental pregnancy. And he was concerned about his looks! He was asking you like you were some random woman. Do you see the difference?"
Her face fell. "I thought he was asking in a manner of 'Look at me, hopelessly in-love with you, would you marry me, this pathetic person hopelessly in-love ---.' So I was imagining that I was informally engaged this entire time?"
I really felt sorry for her. "Well. He's probably in a zone of vanity or he was just thrusting towards a possibility that he was not even intending to follow through."
For three years she thought, This Is It. It took her about five minutes to realize This Is Probably Not It, and two weeks to pour out This is Something I am Never Going to Cry Over Again.
But it's not easy. In Sex and the City, Charlotte mentions that a girl gets over a break-up about half the time of the entire relationship. Just what are the rules of getting over?
It really depends. If the girl was heavily invested in the relationship or there was too much emotional involvement, it'll probably take longer and maybe a set of distractions. Those who fell hard yet also knew the improbability of the relationship, maybe it will be a shorter yet harder period.
I sent my friend an email about this thing I read from my Mars and Venus book. I told her that since she went stages ahead and the guy lagged behind uncertainty, it is better she goes back to feeling uncertain about him. I sent her this excerpt from Mars and Venus on a Date (Gray, 2003, 151):
The First Benefit of Uncertainty
The first benefit of uncertainty is that it connects her to the truth that he may not be the right person for her. This awareness can give her the clarity, strength and courage to break off from him in a positive manner. Instead of feeling cheated, she will eventually feel grateful that she didn't marry the wrong person.
Eventually, she realized to go via the "I deserve better" route and stopped calling him.
And the guy, in a predictable response, suddenly started pursuing her and asking her out again.
Did she say yes again? No. And to her relief, it's like getting rid of a burden she didn't know she had all this time.
Although it is not really easy, isn't it best to take a step outside a so-called relationship hell and decide to be happy?
Angst is so 90s, Juliet is just fiction. Happiness lies in your hands, and unconditional love is what you deserve.
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